The clock in my bathroom still says 3:21. I told you the concept of time would resurface.
This time, the subject speaks to me in terms of seasons rather than numbers on a clock.
If you walked in to my house right now, you would see the following things on my kitchen table: flashlight, lunch-box, Bible, coffee mug, set of sunglasses, 2 bottles of white out, various DVDs, and a baby's teething pacifier. In fact, there is so much clutter on the kitchen table that Jake and I have been eating off of our coffee table for the past month.
If you walk up the stairs into our bedroom, you will see a laundry basket on its side with clean clothes strewn all around it. The socks aren't even matched and the shirts get more wrinkled by the day. If you make a 180 degree turn, you will see a black chair covered with dress clothes that I sort through every day. It has become my new closet.
Inside my planner you will find a to do list of things that never get crossed off. Instead other things get added and I decide to stop looking at the list all together.
The other day I had 15 emails in my inbox and zero motivation to even read any of them.
September 9th was my last blog post.
I stopped my last "time" blog post at this point. I complained about all the things I don't have time to do and couldn't thinking of where to go from there.
I have direction this time.
I have felt bogged down by my season of life lately. It has brought with it new burdens that I have never experienced before and stresses that I was not prepared to encounter.
And so I complain, and whine, and cry, and wonder why God has me in this place if I'm going to be so stressed out all the time. I convince myself that this season in life isn't worth it because of the way I'm feeling. Because of the burdens I'm bearing. Because of the amount of work I have to do.
It was at the height of this self pity that Gandalf convicted me.
That's right. I said Gandalf.
I watched The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring for the first time last week. I could probably devote an entire post to how much I love Samwise Gamgee, but that's beside the point. This is the conversation that really hit home for me:
Frodo: I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work in this world Frodo, besides the will of evil. Bilbo was meant to find the Ring. In which case, you were also meant to have it. And that is an encouraging thought.
I suppose I lost sight of the big picture again (like usual). I mean, who am I to decide that because life is too stressful or too overwhelming that I'm in the wrong place? Who am I to wish that this season of life had never come to me?
Now, I don't mean to be over-dramatic, and by golly, I am so thankful to be doing a job that I love and was made for. It's just that every now and then I get that feeling. The feeling where I think for a second, "This is too much work, God. Please deal me a new hand."
That's not for me to decide. All I have to decide is what to do with this time that has been given to me. I was meant to end up in this season of life and I was meant to experience every moment of this time. There is a purpose set by One who prepared me for this very task.
And that is an encouraging thought.