wordy musings: regret.

word of the day: regret \ri-ˈgret\ sorrow aroused by circumstances beyond one's control or power to repair

Our two year wedding anniversary is this Monday, July 26th. Because we will be in Wyoming with my family away from all forms of wireless internet, I've got to get this post going a little early.

I recognize that "regret" is a strange theme for an anniversary post. Don't be alarmed, just hang with me...

I have a lot of wedding regrets. Sometimes my regrets are so strong that when I attend other weddings I'm filled with a lot of sadness about things I did or did not do. Don't worry if I attended your wedding after mine. I still enjoyed it. I just overanalyzed it and thought about everything you did that I should have done.

For instance, I regret not using the string musicians from Jake's side of the family for our processional. Who doesn't love live wedding music? And, I'm sure that they would have played the right song when I walked down the aisle.

I regret that I thought daisies would be my favorite flower forever. They aren't anymore. I wish I would have explored some other flower avenues.

I regret that I did not making a seating chart for all our guests at the reception. Selfishly, I did not want to deal with it. When considering all the people we had in attendance, I should have dealt with it.

I regret that I didn't use my sweet nephews as ring bearers and that I didn't give my dad a hug when he gave me away. I regret the fact that I didn't have a big reception send off when we left.

Regret, regret, regret. Are you depressed yet?

There are a few things I don't regret that I should probably list before this post becomes too much of a downer.

I don't regret the amount of fun I had.

I don't regret tearing that enormous hole in the middle of my veil. And, I wouldn't change Sami's reaction directly following the rip. I also wouldn't change the great pictures we got as a result of the hole.

I wouldn't change the fact that I didn't see Jake before I stepped foot down the aisle. To each her own, but the suspense of waiting made the day so much more exciting for us.

I also couldn't change the amount of dancing Jake and I did at our reception. If you were upset that I didn't talk to you during our dance, I'm sorry, but those boogie shoes just weren't ready to be unlaced.

I've been thinking about our wedding quite a bit lately. My thoughts usually begin with, "If I could do it again..." or "If only I had..." But then I think, what's the point in focusing so much thought on the actual wedding when that wasn't even what the whole day was about?

The day was about the start of our marriage, and let me tell you, there's not an ounce of regret there.

I could get bogged down by the missed details, people who were inadvertently forgotten, or thoughts I wished had crossed my mind. I have been bogged down by those things.

Then, instead, I choose to remember Jake's face when I walked down the aisle and the way he smiled at me just before our first kiss as husband and wife. I remember his excitement as we entered our reception and how cute he looked with cake smashed all over his face.

Why get bogged down by the details when what has grown from that day is an ever blossoming romance that I get to share with my best friend?

Someone asked me the other day what I have learned in 2 years of marriage. I didn't think of this then, but when I think about it right now, I realize how Jake has taught me to see the big picture of life.

I bet if you asked Jake, he couldn't tell you what we ate for dinner at our reception or what my hair looked like in the back. He might struggle to describe my dress and I guarantee he has no memory of our cake. It's likely that he doesn't remember what was sung during our unity candle, and I think it would take him a few seconds to bring the first song we danced to back into his memory.

All that really matters to Jake is that on that day two years ago we said, "I do," and began our marriage together.

He gets it.